matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
