why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize