My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
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