totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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