mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Randomize
