He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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