1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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