He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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