Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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