it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
