It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
As shirtless as possible
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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