normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
