can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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