Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
