Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Found the puke drawer
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
