I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
