Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
