We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
