this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
We were destined to go to rehab together
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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