Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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