why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
