I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
