Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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