I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
