This is not my ceiling
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
