she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Randomize
