I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
