I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
