my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Floor bacon is actually really good
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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