Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Randomize
