Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
