I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
