i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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