I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
