neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
