Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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