Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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