She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
