White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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