forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
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