her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Cover your peen. We're going out.
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