It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
