Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
