I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
our cab driver is having phone sex.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
