Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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