Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
