hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
