i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
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