i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
two words: eviction party
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
