im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
