this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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