So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
its liver damage thursday
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
