I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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