I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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