had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
You've changed since you got that strap on
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
