so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
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