get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
