My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
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