and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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