My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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