I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
You can't special order awesome
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
