I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
