do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
